Men’s Health: What Does ‘Being Strong’ Mean When Life Changes?

Ideas about what it means to be a man can take shape long before we start questioning them. As we age, become a parent, or experience changes in our relationships, health or physical abilities, some of those ideas can start to look different. Men’s Health Month gives us an opportunity to think about where these ideas came from, how they show up in our everyday lives, and whether they still work for us.

What did you learn about being a man without anyone having to teach you?

Perhaps your father never discussed his feelings, but was always there to sort out whatever needed sorting. Perhaps your grandfather believed you worked hard, took care of your family and carried on.

We absorb much more than we realise from the people around us. How did the men in your family react when they were worried? Were you taught that asking for help was acceptable, or was it something you only did when there were no other options?

There are probably parts of what you learnt about being a man that you want to keep: humour, loyalty, practical skills and dependability. There may also be expectations you’ve never really questioned because they were simply part of your family’s history. Looking at generational patterns can help us recognise how much of our idea of being a man developed from watching the men who came before us.

Friendship doesn’t always look like a heart-to-heart

We hear a lot that men should talk more, but this can overlook the ways many men already connect with each other. Friendship can happen at football matches, in pubs, through gaming, mending things or travelling in cars together. Two friends can spend an hour discussing complete nonsense until one asks, “How are things going at home?”

The important conversation may last less than five minutes, but those five minutes can matter. Who notices when you’re not quite yourself? And who can you talk to without feeling you have to explain every detail?

Being a father can make you think about your own upbringing

Becoming a father can bring up parts of your own childhood that you haven’t thought about for decades. You may catch yourself repeating one of your father’s phrases, suddenly understand why he worried about money, or deliberately choose to do something differently because of what you remember from growing up.

You might also find yourself unexpectedly irritable, protective or anxious and wonder why you reacted so strongly. Somatic practices, such as paying attention to what is happening in your body, can give you another way of exploring these reactions, particularly when a sensation, emotion or memory appears before you understand why.

Your partner may be changing, but what is changing for you?

There is a lot more conversation now around perimenopause and menopause, and rightly so. But many men reach their mid-forties and fifties while their own lives are changing too. Children grow up, parents get older, and careers, relationships, sexual intimacy and other parts of life can shift. You might feel tired more often, have less energy or notice your body doesn’t do quite what it used to. Yet men don’t always think of themselves as going through a period of change in the same way.

Your body also won’t respond to ageing, food, sleep, stress and your environment in exactly the same way as someone else’s. Nutrigenomics looks at the relationship between your genes, nutrition and environment, and can offer another perspective on why individual responses differ. If you’ve put everything down to “I’m just getting older”, it might be worth noticing what has actually changed and what you’ve simply become used to.

What happens when being strong starts to look different?

For some men, masculinity has been closely linked with self-sufficiency: working, providing for your family, playing sport, doing physical jobs or being the person other people turn to for help. Illness, injury, disability or changes in physical ability can affect some of these things.

Disability doesn’t make someone less capable or independent. But if you’ve grown up with a particular idea of what a man should be able to do, having to adapt can bring up feelings you weren’t expecting. Perhaps you can’t play the sport you’ve loved since childhood, need more rest or have to ask for help with something you previously did on your own. We tend to notice the practical changes because they’re easier to see. How we feel about those changes can be much easier to overlook.

"We tend to notice the practical changes because they’re easier to see. How we feel about those changes can be much easier to overlook."

What are our sons learning?

Children learn a huge amount from watching the adults around them. A son can see how his father reacts when he’s worried, what happens during an argument, whether he apologises, how he treats other people and whether he asks for help.

We can also help children become more familiar with how emotions and stress feel physically, rather than always expecting them to explain what they’re experiencing in words. Questions such as “What did you notice happening in your body when you got angry?” or “Did you notice anything happening in your body before you felt anxious?” can give them another way of understanding their reactions. Body awareness and other somatic approaches can become part of everyday conversations about emotions, particularly when children don’t yet have the words to describe what is happening.

We spend a lot of time talking about men’s health in terms of what men should do differently. Men’s Health Month can also be an opportunity to become more curious about what’s already happening. Taking some time to notice our reactions and think about where they came from can influence how we respond now, and what the people around us learn from us. When was the last time you stopped long enough to notice how you’re actually doing?