Generational Patterns: Where Do Our Habits and Behaviours Come From?

‘That’s just how my family is’

Perhaps your family has always been very ‘stiff upper lip’, where you get on with things rather than talk about how you feel. Maybe emotions could quickly become heightened, so you learnt to keep the peace or sense when someone’s mood was changing. Difficult subjects might be avoided, arguments may involve raised voices, or perhaps nobody ever really argues at all. There might be one person who keeps everybody happy, someone who takes responsibility for everything, or a family expectation that you work hard, don’t complain and certainly don’t ask anyone for help.

There are lighter patterns too. Perhaps everyone in your family uses humour when things get uncomfortable, feeds people as a way of showing affection, becomes fiercely competitive over board games or can turn being ten minutes late into a big deal.

These behaviours become familiar because we grow up surrounded by them, often absorbing ideas about relationships, emotions, success, money, parenting and what is considered acceptable without anybody deliberately teaching us. It can take reaching adulthood, entering new relationships or spending time with other families to realise that what felt completely normal growing up was simply your family’s particular way of doing things.

Why do families repeat the same behaviours?

Behaviours often begin for understandable reasons. Someone who grew up with very little money may become extremely careful with it, while their children can absorb the same anxiety around spending despite growing up in very different circumstances. A grandparent who lived through war may have learnt to keep difficult emotions private, while a parent raised around alcohol may become highly sensitive to other people’s moods or take responsibility for keeping everyone happy.

Families are also influenced by the society and period they live through. Attitudes towards masculinity, marriage, parenting, class, race, religion and mental health have changed enormously between generations. Migration, displacement, colonisation and other significant historical experiences can add further layers for some families and communities. What begins as a response to one set of circumstances can therefore continue long after those circumstances have changed.

Children watch how adults deal with pressure, disagreement, affection, mistakes and uncertainty, and these experiences can influence what later feels familiar in their own lives and relationships.

Can experiences really travel through generations?

Much of what passes between generations can be understood through everyday learning. Children notice what happens around them, including what is spoken about openly and what everybody seems to know they shouldn’t mention. They learn whether emotions are welcomed, whether conflict feels manageable and what happens when someone makes a mistake, and repeated experiences can influence the responses they develop themselves.

There is also growing interest in epigenetics, which explores changes that affect how genes are expressed without changing the DNA sequence itself. Research has examined whether experiences including severe stress, famine and trauma may be associated with epigenetic differences across generations, although this is a developing area and human inheritance is complex. [1]

Behaviour, relationships, family stories, culture and environment can all play a part, so sometimes the most useful clue is simply noticing a reaction and wondering where you first learnt it.

"Sometimes the most useful clue is simply noticing a reaction and wondering where you first learnt it."

Which patterns do we want to keep?

Understanding generational patterns doesn’t have to become an investigation into everything our parents or grandparents did badly. Families also pass on humour, recipes, music, traditions, resilience, creativity, affection, practical skills, celebrations and countless small behaviours that give us a sense of where we come from.

Becoming aware of our patterns gives us an opportunity to become more curious about both sides of that inheritance. Perhaps being the person who always takes care of everybody has made you thoughtful and dependable, while also making it difficult to ask for support yourself. A strong family work ethic may have given you determination while making time for rest feel uncomfortable, even impossible. Humour may have helped your family through extremely difficult periods, even if occasionally it also helped everyone avoid a conversation they needed to have.

The question then becomes less about searching for something wrong in our family history and more about recognising what has continued through us. Some behaviours may still serve us extremely well, some may make more sense once we understand where they came from, and others may be ones we decide to work on, and no longer need to pass on.